A classic mistake I see new dominatrixs make, is that they immediately default to acting out the most obvious dominant women archetype. This mythical type of women is stern, domineering, assertive and stiff. The type of person that a millennial like me would avoid at any cost. The type of women who will judge us for our creativity and say how we ‘should’ behave. We opt for this archetype because we think thats the meaning of dominance, and thats the kind of symbol we see in our heads from all those years of unconsciously consuming BDSM culture.
There is however a dominant sadistic type of feminin that is much more close to home for someone like me. The playful, curious, innocently sadistic wild child.
The ecstasy felt by a toddler being chased by his older sibling is obvious to everyone in the vicinity. The full attention to himself, the knowing he is well and loved, but with a sparkle of exciting fear. The chase itself and the sensation of running and escaping, creates a kind of pleasant and energising sensation in the body.
The dominant older child in this game usually knows the limits that they can get away with, but is also not afraid to explore and go a tiny bit too far. He is also taken away by the whimsy and does not calculate his next move, he’s just experimenting with his physical force and three dimensional space, flipping his little brother around and enjoying his screams of joy.
I recently invited a few girlfriends to join me on a Saturday morning session for a special costumer of mine who I really like to play with. He booked a long session and I wanted to give him a special treat.
On my facebook wall I posted a cryptic message that those who know what I do will understand, and 3 girlfriends showed up at the studio curious and open minded. Non of us knew what would exactly happen, and I assured everybody they have zero obligations, they can just watch, or play, or leave if they are uncomfortable.
The costumer came in, gaged and tied up. My three lady friends were sitting and watching us interacting. There were a few moments where the atmosphere was still unclear, to which direction it will take. A few seconds of awkwardness where I had to control him and the room with my confidence.
There was no need to make a big complicated show out of it. Casually I reached for the duckt tape and tried out a new bondage position which I knew he would like. That left him naked and exposed, with his face facing the floor, away from the audience.
The atmosphere in the room became light and playful, as I was casually explaining what Im about to do and just chatting with my friends like in real life, each sharing our experiences. We were all excited about our sexy play toy, but with such a casual easy going vibe.
The ladies felt free to just watch and laugh and get curious, while I was planting the seed that they could come and play with him if they wanted. Whatever they were curious about they can try.
Someone wanted to try flogging. It was the perfect position and the perfect timing! After the first few strokes things got heated up. Everybody was off their seat, cheering, laughing, spanking, leaving all kinds of marks. Our play partner could not really see who hit when, and he screamed with pain and delight and surrendered to us, surrounding him.
From there on things just rolled and escalated. Somebody wanted to try anal, and we each had a go, finding his prostate and stimulating it. Then candle wax, hair pulling, nipple pinching….By then he was on his back, looking up at all of us, screaming as we got more and more deliciously sadistic with him. There was so much laughter in the room, and excited chatter. Like a bunch of cubs lovingly playing with each other, rolling around and being silly. Curiosity leading the way and excitement and trust. I felt like all us ladies were transported to a carefree moment in childhood were everything was allowed, and we just inspired each other and went with the flow!
This is the kind of unpretentious dominance that I love.
Acting, being childish, being silly, being theatrical, experimenting, thats the idea of play! And BDSM is all about playing. Whenever I make the mistake of taking things too seriously I always trip myself up, feel fake and bored. Playing means you don’t always know what you are doing, you are exploring your possibilities, experimenting with your power. Pretending like I know everything could be fun as a part of the game, but if I start to believe it myself I become robotic and inauthentic. If I repeat what I know without being open to inspiration I will never learn and grow. This is the best practice for playfulness in life!